Captain America Tie-In Food: We Eat It So You Don’t Have To

Not since Star Trek waffles (I’m not kidding) has a movie had so many unconventional food tie-ins as Captain America: The First Avenger. Clearly this called for a review in the interest of science journalism. So while visiting my parents for the Fourth of July weekend, I decided an expedition into patriotic tie-in food was required and resolved to try and review it all, a project which revealed one vitally important fact – apparently Americans really, really like patriotic donuts.

On July 3, I set forth in search of the fabled Captain America donut, and at all three Dunkin’ Donuts locations within ten miles of my parents’ house, I was told they were entirely sold out of the themed pastries. No donuts, not even for ready money. No donuts at the inn.

Apparently every time they baked more, they sold out again. Unprompted, one clerk told me that business had been great, and pressed a button on her register which displayed how much cash was currently inside. Over $2,500. No donuts now, she said, but come back tomorrow.

At around 11:30 on July 4, the star-shaped Captain America donuts were entirely sold out at the nearest store, but there was one red Captain America donut left. At the larger store two or three miles down the road, both were in stock. I had no difficulty procuring the Captain America Cherry Coolata of wacky commercial fame or the Super Soldier Swirl ice cream, though this may be less a lack of demand and more the fact that they don’t need to be baked fresh.

Obviously, together all of these confections are too much sugar for any one sane human being, so I brought my parents in on the taste test. They had the advantage of being unblinded by any sentimental attachment to Steve Rogers, or, in my father’s case, any fuzzy feelings toward flag-themed items. “Anyone who puts up a flag is probably actually a Communist,” is his take on the subject, and he’s only mostly joking.

Coolata e1309827295918 Captain America Tie In Food: We Eat It So You Dont Have To

Look, it's a slush, what do you want from it?

Captain America Cherry Coolata

Aesthetics: It’s a cherry slush. It looks like… a cherry slush.

Aesthetic rating: *

Taste: More of a mild sour cherry flavor than a plain cherry flavor and not as sweet as most slush.

Thoughts from the peanut gallery: (Dubious look, shrug.) “It’s not as overly sweet as most things like this. That’s good at least.” – My mother.

“It tastes like fake cherry, it has a bitter quality I don’t like, I turn my snoot up at it.” – My father.

Taste rating: **

Price: $2.99 for the smallest size.

Calories: 240 calories for the smallest size

Should you buy it? If you love slush drinks or artificial sour cherry and don’t care if it’s a bit overpriced, it’s fine but nothing special.

Verdict: We poured it down the drain.

Ice cream e1309827630722 Captain America Tie In Food: We Eat It So You Dont Have To

Definitely better than anything with fake blueberries

Captain America Super Soldier Swirl

Aesthetics: A nice pure white flecked with blue, with bright red streaks you can see the chunks of cherry in. Points for coloration as well the same vague shapes as the flag and actually appearing tasty.

Aesthetic rating: ****

Taste: A good vanilla flavor with a streak of real and actually good maraschino cherries. Maraschino cherries are not universally popular, though.

Thoughts from the peanut gallery:

“This is better than the slurpee, that’s not hard, but no, this is a reasonable flavor I could actually eat. The combination of flavors and textures is quite nice.” – My father.

“I just ate a donut. No.” – My mother.

Taste rating: ***

Price: $2.43 for one scoop

Calories: 170 for one scoop

Should you buy it? If vanilla and maraschino cherry sound good to you and you want flag-colored or comics themed ice cream, go for it. It’s not even that bad for you.

Verdict: It sits in the freezer, to be happily finished tomorrow.

Donut 1 e1309831775696 Captain America Tie In Food: We Eat It So You Dont Have To

The prettiest belle at the ball

Captain America star-shaped donut

Aesthetics: An attractive star-shaped donut with creamy white icing, red white and blue star sprinkles, and vivid red jam, it looks just as pretty as in the ads.

Aesthetic rating: ****

Taste: While the jam and the donut itself are tasty, the thick white icing sends it over the top into sugar shock.

Thoughts from the peanut gallery:

“It’s a good jelly donut! It doesn’t really need the icing.” – My mother

“It’s far too sweet, the texture’s all wrong and there’s not enough donut for all that jam.” – My father.

Calories: 320

Price: $0.88

Should you buy it? If you’re looking for the prettiest, most patriotic donut around, or you are under the age of twelve, buy it. If you’re willing to compromise a little on looks, buy the other donut.

Verdict: After the test, the icing was scraped off, at which point it was immediately eaten.

Donut 2 e1309832008986 Captain America Tie In Food: We Eat It So You Dont Have To

Sprinkle fail

Captain America Stars & Stripes donut

Aesthetics: At two different Dunkin’ Donuts locations, they had the red icing and were sold but lacked the trademark red white and blue star sprinkles that make it Captain America / flag-themed, instead substituting the usual rainbow sprinkles. Disappointing!

Aesthetic Rating: * with normal sprinkles
*** with patriotic sprinkles as shown in the ads.

Taste: A nice fluffy donut with a little extra sweetness from the icing.

Thoughts from the peanut gallery:

“It’s sweet, but not too sweet, and the texture is far nicer.” – My father.

“I liked the jelly one better.” – My mother.

Taste rating: ****

Calories: 290

Price: $0.88

Should you buy it? Well, it’s not exactly health food, but it’s very tasty and at eighty eight cents, it’s about five times cheaper than movie theater popcorn!

Verdict: Eaten immediately, dipped in coffee.

Comments

  1. Caged Wisdom says:

    Now force yourselves to eat an entire Captain America ice cream cake! :)

  2. “It’s not even that bad for you” – really? You know how they make maraschino cherries, right? That ice cream is probably the unhealthiest thing on this list.

  3. Glad you got your donut! I forgot how packed with jam the one I had was. All jelly donuts should be so stuffed.

  4. Kate Fitzsimons says:

    Mike, I was going on number of calories. I’m not a nutritionist, this is a comics blog.

  5. The Beat says:

    Thanks for the great report, Fitzsimons clan.

    I went out on a quest for the Captain America star-shaped donut on Saturday morning and consumed one with hot coffee. The red jelly filling was tasty, satisfying and immediately squirted out onto my lap.So yes, it fulfilled its purpose as a jelly donut.

    Would I eat this again? There are some things you only need to experience once in a lifetime and this was one of them. But I did enjoy each and every bite.

  6. Max G says:

    re: Captain America Super Soldier Swirl Is that a specialty gift card or souvenir? Free with purchase or incentive (purchase 10 ice creams and get a free cherry)? Terrific report!

  7. My son and I stopped at a DD on our travels Friday and didn’t see the star-shaped offering, but did get two of the red icing variety. Tasty.

  8. Al™ says:

    Kate, your father came across really well here. His flag comment was funny, and he sounds like a real no-nonsense guy who tells it like it is.

    I’d like to hear his take on a few comics, and I’m only slightly joking.

  9. Shawn Kane says:

    No doughnuts or ice cream cakes for me but I’ve been driving around to the various Dunkin Donuts and Baskin Robbins for a week now. I bought my wife a red, white, and blue coolatta for the tri-cup last week but all of them keep selling out of the regular cup. I try to stay in shape but the continual trips to these places to find a cup is becoming far too tempting.

  10. So, eating these donuts won’t enhance my body to the peak of human perfection?

  11. Kate Fitzsimons says:

    Max G, it is a premium, sort of. At Dunkin Donuts and Dunkin Donuts/Bsskin Robbins combined restaurants, if you purchase a Captain America-themed gift card, even for as little as $2, and register it online, Marvel will give you a free month of Marvel Digital Comics Unlimited, and you will have the option of purchasing an additional month for only $1.

    To make it even better, they usually have wifi now. So, theoretically, you can buy a card, register it, then turn around and use it to buy an ice cream or donuts or something, and have gotten a month of Marvel back issue access for free.

  12. Caged Wisdom says:

    The gift card thing is actually a really great idea for a promotion and something they should be pushing in their ads even more than the sugar treats. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to participate because neither my city (Springfield, MO) nor the towns around it have a DD or a BR.

  13. i’ll skip the donuts, i’m gonna wait for the pancakes that look like cap’s shield and the apples shaped like the red skull’s head.:)

  14. Captain America is not cherry flavored. What’s with all the cherry?

    Aww… whatever. I seem to be seeing a lot of those silly Coolatta’s here in Philadelphia, tho.

  15. Kate Fitzsimons says:

    I have no idea why they’ve collectively decided Steve Rogers tastes like cherry. I. I’m sure there’s a joke in there somewhere.

  16. Kate Fitzsimons says:

    I… Oh god.

    Captain America flavored ice cream is cherry and vanilla.

    (Headdesk)

    Thank you, Baskin-Robbins.

  17. This has ongoing investigative column written all over it. Man vs. Food except with comics/movies promo snacks and the Fitzsimons family.

  18. Xenos says:

    I’ve been hitting up the Cherry slushie one. It brings back memories of having Slush Puppies at my grandma’s as a kid, but tastes a bit better cherry than those do. Though a friend just showed me that Dunkin also has a vanilla and Tropicana orange mix that tastes like a damn creamsicle, so it’s a tough call which one to get when I want a slush.

    That Baskin Robins ice cream sounds awesome. Though I don’t care for frosting on doughnuts, so that’s out for me.

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