Monkey attacks!

071022 Ex Monkeysex
A politician in New Dehli recently fell to his death after a savage attack by a band of roaming monkeys. He must have been in such pain that plunging to his demise was the only way to end the fierce, burning agony of the monkey attack! Although this sounds like the kind of solution to the government problems that many are experiencing worldwide, innocent civilians could also be caught unawares by the marauding monkeys. Luckly, Slate is there to explain What to do if you’re attacked by monkeys. The key is to do what the monkeys want you to do.

It’s like Mom said about muggers: Just give ‘em what they want. When monkeys get aggressive, it’s usually because they think you have something to eat. According to one study, about three-quarters of all the aggressive interactions between long-tailed macaques and tourists at Bali’s Padangtegal Monkey Forest involved food. If you are holding a snack, throw it in their direction, and they’ll stop bothering you. If you don’t have any food, hold out your open palms to show you’re not carrying a tasty treat or back away from the monkeys without showing fear. To diffuse the situation, don’t make eye contact or smile with your teeth showing—in the nonhuman primate world, these are almost always signs of aggression.


The article also suggests possibly shaking a stick or making an aggressive “O” face at the monkeys, although these run the risk of further angering the monkeys and making a blazing monkey attack more likely.

Simian gangs of rowdy macaques are common in Delhi, where the creatures are believed to be sacred to the god Hanumen. Attempts to curb the violence by bringing in more langurs, a more laid back and peace-loving monkey, have had little effect.

Comments

  1. Torsten Adair says:

    That’s what comics need! A mutant monkey who hollers BLAZING MONKEY ATTACK and then splits into multiple versions of itself! Kinda like that Nightcrawler miniseries with the Bamfs.
    Thanks for the useful information. I kinda like the idea of JD monkeys bullying tourists for food. And beating the snot out of them when they offer healthy food!

  2. Aaa!!! No Monkeys!!!

  3. I’ve heard horror stories about the Bali Monkey Forest, which is why I refuse to set a single foot in there despite its close proximity to the best roast pig eatery in the district. Basically, the monkeys eat or steal anything that isn’t attached to you, and bite everything else. People have lost glasses, keys, wallets, shoes, caps, cameras, you name it. Why do they even go in? I have no idea. I have also been bitten by one of the furry little bastards (not in Bali though).
    Monkeys are not cool, man.

  4. I can’t believe anyone hasn’t thought of the obvious. To fight the monkeys, they need to bring in ROBOTS. Haven’t they read Monkey Vs. Robot?

  5. Unfortunately, in both cases they’re sacred monkeys. The only thing that can defeat them are sacred robots.

  6. Blah...Blah...Ya..Right.. says:

    Monkies don’t attack people….i love them and i saw this in the middle of me printing pictures of harmless monkies to fill my door way…they don’t attack…and who would be a person to makes robots to hurt or even kill monkies?Why would you do that? Monkies are cute and innocent…..haha..

  7. original leather says:

    I’d round up those little bastards and smoke’em.

  8. JohnnyShiva says:

    They should just go kill all these little monkeys. Don’t let their “cuteness” fool you, they are nasty little creatures. They should twist off their “sacred” little heads one by one.

  9. original leather says:

    To discourage the little bastards from begging and robbing tourist of food and their personal possessions……give them tasty treats wrapped with cherry bombs and M-80′s. That will spook’em and curb their nasty behavior.

  10. JohnnyShiva says:

    I say quirt gas at them and tase them. A few burning monkeys wildly screaming… that news will travel to the other monkeys pretty fast. You will get no more toothy grins out of them then.

  11. monkeyhater says:

    I think someone should shove a flaming broom (handle first)up one of them’s rear with barbed hooks so it won’t come out…ignite the other end using roofing tar on the straw end. That should get the attention of the other group members to simmer down a bit on all that wild behavior.

  12. Kevin Miller says:

    I really don’t like monkeys. Monkeyhater has the right idea. When I lived in India (wow, what a disgusting country w/ annoying people) I was bitten several times by those little varmints. They look at you with that red face, grab at your clothes and then bite. They chewed off my brother’s nose. Once I split a monkey head open with a baseball bat. It spewed like a grapefruit. All the other monkeys shrieked and ran off.

  13. goodgrief says:

    Yeah….I visited India once, what a sewer pipe of a country….and the people…..boy do they smell. The monkeys just run the place. Monkey poop everywhere with gangs of them just watching every move you make. Once I saw a mother monkey eat all 5 of her baby monkeys. Then one morning I was out for a walk and 3 big monkeys started stalking me….following me about 20 yards behind. I waited until I got to a good spot and quickly turned around and shot all three of them with my .32 auto… Boy what a funny site….blood everywhere…..you should have seen the on-lookers (the more timid monkeys) scatter. People should resort to this type of defense against those annoying animals when traveling in India and Pakistan.

  14. stopdamonkeeeeee says:

    You killed a whole monkey family? Are you sure it was monkeys and not people? Some people closely resemble some monkeys. They will make a lot of noise, they are real strong and they might bite off your ears. Disgusting little animals in a disgusting country. Monkeys will stalk you. They will also try to mug you. It’s a little like NYC without rap music.

  15. Eric Holliday says:

    It really bothers me that some on this site would allow harm to come to these docile creatures. They are just small animals looking for food. We don’t need more conservatives talking about killing monkeys. We need monkey protection! Sure they kill a random person here or there but that is an accepted risk. Occasionally there are bad monkeys out there. Maybe they were raised by violent monkey parents or had a traumatic monkey childhood. You don’t really know. Be nice to all monkeys and they will be nice to you. If one chews off your face then it is probably karma.

  16. getouttheway says:

    I agree with “original leather”. I actually tried the “tasty treat” trick….it works quite well. I put an M-80 fire cracker inside a banana….I used a really long fuse so it would go off just as the little pecker put the M-80 portion in his mouth. His head blew up like a ripe tomato. I really don’t think he knew what hit him. You should have seen the look on the other monkey’s faces…..they all scattered like roaches. Hopefully they will discuss this incident at their next meeting and behave themselves in public.

  17. monkeyshoota says:

    Best way to handle upset monkeys is to shoot them with a bb gun. If you want to upset them then just pop them in the leg or chest. If you really want to do some damage pump it up real good and shoot at the face. Monkeys don’t blink real fast so a good shot to the eye will freak them out. They let out a real loud monkey noise and run in circles. The other monkeys will start screaming too, eventually they all run away.

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