We went to a screening of SUPERMAN RETURNS courtesy of Shelton Drum last night, and had a great time discussing it afterwards on the van ride back to the hotel with Mike Oeming, Colleen Doran, Craig Hamilton, Neil Volkes and Steve and Dana Saffel. If that isn’t a wide ranging panel, we don’t know what is. Steve and Dana had the same objections to it that I did, while others looked on it more favorably. The evening was also the occasion of The Beat‘s most embarrassing moment EVER, one involving — and we are NOT MAKING THIS UP —
baby canola oil, camouflage underwear and Rosario Dawson.
All of our problems with SUPERMAN RETURNS were magnified upon a second viewing. In fact, here’s Things We Learned While Watching SUPERMAN RETURNS (SPOILERS!!!):
Ma Kent plays scrabble with either herself or her dog. Okay about a 1000 people have written to say that when we see the farm someone says “Goodnight, Martha” and drives off, that someone being a boyfriend for Martha Kent that got left on the cutting room floor.
• When her son is dying, Ma Kent will hastily don unflattering orange lipstick.
• The Daily Planet has by far the most lenient child care policy on earth, with employees being encouraged to bring their pre-school children to the newsroom for indefinite periods.
• Kindergartners are apparently given grades in both science and gym.
• When held aloft by its nose by Superman, a plane will not break in two. A giant yacht, however, will break in two, when held vertically.
• When rescuing people from drowning, it’s better to lift a whole ship than open a hatch door.
• A sea plane is a very handy thing to have parked in your backyard.
• The effects of Kryptonite on Superman are such that one moment he will be writhing in pain from being pwned by Kumar. Yet he will still be able to lift an entire continent even with a shard of Kryptonite lodged in his kidneys. UPDATE: several people have written to say that Lois removed most of the shard, but we still say Kryptonite is POISON, and even a teeny bit in Superman’s system would have caused problems. It’s also been pointed out that he goes up to store solar power prior to his big feat — which would also have caused tidal waves and tsunamis all over the Atlantic seaboard, probably destroying Metropolis and New York. We can buy the solar rationalization, but the truth is that EVEN HIS KRYPTONITE DOESN’T STOP SUPERMAN ANY MORE.