TUF 5: Episode 2 — The Angry Armenian

A rescued horse! Singing in Armenian! Close encounters in the sauna! And…the promise of a high colonic. This may just be the best season of TUF yet.

The Miller/Lobstah fight is recapped, with the general consensus that Cole just did what he had to do. After his win, he goes off for a god cry — this is why we love TUF — fighting AND crying. Cole says he’s crying because his 3+ year road to the UFC is much less than others have had to go through.

Back at the house, Monstah Lobstah shows up and calls a team meeting! What the heck? It turns out he’s going to stay in the house and keep training. Lobstah is happy to be welcomed back with open “ahms”. No one knows if all the losers will be coming back or not. Matt Wiman worries about all the losers sticking around, goofing off and distracting those with victory on their minds.

Next, in a very yaoi-esque scene, the guys are sitting around getting massages. Gabe walks in and just starts going postal on Matt Wiman. Gabe says he’ll crush him like a bug. Matt says Gabe’s a pig who’s 22 lbs over and makes the whole team look bad. This confrontation continues against a backdrop of lethargic pasty white manflesh.

Asked why he doesn’t like Matt, Gabe says, “Something about the kid drives me insane.” The rest of the team looks on in confusion. Is Gabe serious?

The next day, apparently, Matt confronts Gabe again — they’re all on the same team and it’s making Team Pulver look stupid. Gabe is not to be persuaded but will follow his trail of vengeance into the grave. (Honestly, it doesn’t seem to make any sense form the editing — is Gabe just doing it for camera time?)

At the fight announcement, BJ pulls his his second mind game by making Emerson call out Corey by calling him an Effing coward in hopes of upsetting team Pulver’s fight plan. It’s another chaotic get together as confusion reigns with shouting and general confabulation. Dana is once again hep to this, and grins maniacally knowing that the cameras are getting some good footage. Spanky Pulver isn’t as wack as he looks and catches on to the fact that he’s being played and sticks to his gam plan. The actual fight is Manny Gamburyan for Team Pulver vs. Penn’s Noah Thomas, an ex-Marine.

Manny is a 5’5″ fire hydrant and sets new level for bleeps in one sentence. BJ gives a lot of talk about Noah’s 100% which doesn’t sound like he has any actual skills but what the heck.

Back at the house, a new threat. The guys spot some girls riding by on horseback and persuade them to come to the front of the house. The horse falls down on the slippery asphalt driveway leading to an equine emergency. The horse is panting and anxious about not being able to get up. The guys don’t want to leave the house because they are forbidden to leave; finally everyone leaves as a team and a shag rug is used to get the horse some traction, and the animals are saved, while no phone numbers are even exchanged.

After this Animal Planet moment, it’s back in the van, Matt and Gabe continue their endless squabbling. Matt can’t take it any more. Joe Lauzon admits it’s a big problem and is having a negative effect on team morale. BJ sits everyone down to get to the root of things. Matt says he doesn’t want this to be a cool TV feud. “We can bang right now,” he tells Gabe. “I would smash you in a stand up war.”

BJ is fed up with all the practice time being lost, and tries to restore unity by pointing out that only together can they surmount team Pulver. “This isn’t elementary school,” he tells the camera. Maybe, but BJ’s laid back, reasonable talk doesn’t seem to be having that much effect on this bunch of hot heads. In the first episode Dana mentioned “Small man syndrome” with the lightweights, and boy was he right! These guys will fly off the handle at anything.

Time to meet Manny who is Karo Parisiyan’s cousin and training partner, and comes from Armenia. Manny reveals his secret weakness: a bum shoulder. He’s been recovering from the injury for two years and hasn’t fought in that time, however, he’s psyched for his first UFC fight. “If I lose, I’m losing my career. The biggest pressure is on me.”

Noah is a 6-year Marine vet from the sniper platoon. He’s had some 40 fights in unknown venues. Noah feels that the marines made him meaner than the average bloke. He also has a weird-ass Captain America tattoo which made him some kind of other bloke. “No one in this house has been what I went through, no on this house is going to break me,” he says while spitting out some scrambled eggs.

For the weigh in, Noah chows down on some kind of sloppy joe as he gets on the scale to show how unconcerned he is with making weight. Manny glares and gets even more fired up.

BJ gives everyone the day off, (shades of Shamrock) and they start throwing tiki torch spears at a decorative shield. This science experience reveals that getting hit in the privates with the edge of a decorative wall shield is very painful, as Rob learns to his sorrow.

Now a NEW psycho drama begins. People start writing patriotic slogans on the walls, but Rob gets carried away and writes “Suck It Team Pulver ” and this drives team Pulver off the beam when they return.

Nate Diaz takes offense, rips off his shirt and is ready to rumble. “NOT IN THE HOUSE!” someone yells, over and over again This is crazier than a team meeting! Rob feels bad that he created a Sharks and Jets situation, but everyone has to show how much ‘tood they can throw down.

Manny is the second to undergo a personality breakdown. Gray says, “I knew manny was nuts but I didn’t know he was this nuts,” as the feisty Armenian goes on a rampage over the anti-Pulver message, threatening to leave the house until Corey — of all people! — emerges as the voice of reason, and tells him to calm down and not let Team Pulver see him like this.

The next day is fight day. Everyone thinks Manny was silly to get so het up, “Aggression only lasts so long then you get tired and gassed,” sats Noah. To prove them wrong, Manny sits on a rock and sings Armenian folk tunes.

Noah’s prep is noticeably less aggro as he admits he can’t hate any one. Now who do you think is going to win this fight?

As it begins, Manny rocks Noah with a solid right. Manny manages to slam Noah, who keeps letting Manny pass his guard. Manny keeps control in a variety of side mounts, and ends it a couple of minutes in when Noah taps to a nasty kimura.

Dana was impressed by Manny’s fiery performance after a two year layoff. “I’m glad Noah tapped out,” says BJ. “A lock like that you won’t be able to wipe your ass for ten months.”

In the post game confession booth, Noah looks lost. “I don’t know where to go now,” he says with the sad, empty look of the loser.
NEXT WEEK: Team Penn’s attitude continues to be a problem, and Gabe’s weght problems conitnue as he has a colonic. BEST SEASON EVER.